NEWS 13/14
07.05.2014
WHITEFORD TO SUE CLUB
After a bad return season at Everilla Wanderers, Tim Whiteford lost his first team place to the young shot Neville Bilbo. Now he has been booted out of the club an put on the transfer list and replaced with the promising Neil Sullivan. “Mr. Whiteford will take legal actions against Everilla Wanderers owner Pedersen and Bergesen, and manager Ross. He feels that he have been mobbed out of the club on personal reasons”. Roumers that a relationship with Bianca Ross, the daughter of the manager was the reason that he lost his place. Livernal is reported to be interested to sign the goalkeeper …
05.04.2014
MAIDEN UNITED STRIKER TRANSFER-LISTED
MU striker N.Prowler has requested a transfer after being put on the bench in three successive matches. Prowler, 24 is capped 14 times by England and was Uniteds top scorer last season with 28 goals. Current league leaders Stonecastle is reported to be interested. If he leaves, United might look to Everilla-hotshot I. Stafford as an replacement.
01.04.2014
RFA TO INTRODUCE CHAMPIONS MATCH
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RFA might arrange a match between the cup- and league winner the week before the league starts in August. The income will be used in the investigation of the holy boot – a boot that brings luck to the team that possesses it. RFA sees this treatening the fairness of the game.
04.03.2014
ROYAL LEAGUE LATEST
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– Livernal have signed the Danish hola hola starplayer Preben Hestekoed. The 21-year old midfielder will beceome a vital part of the team in a campaign to win promotion next season.
– Northpark City is now under administration … Once upon a time they were the best team in Britain, but is now up for sale for 1 pound. The buyer will inherated a debt of an unknown sum of money, but will be able to sell all the clubs players. Reports say the the Everilla duo Bergesen and Pedersen are concidering to buy the club and use it as a farmer team. If they do, it will be a big gamble because the debt is unknown, but it might be the best buy of the year as well. What will happen???
25.02.2014
BUSHPARK RETURNS
Next season we will see the comeback of the vanished club Bushpark. The Norwich based club suddenly disappeared from the football map in the early 90s. No one knows what happened.
The Jamaican businessman Bob Repory will invest 10 mill in the club which will be playing in League 8 on the same location as the original team. Roumers say that Repory is the son of the original founder of Bushpark.
The club will be named Bushpark Phenix FC, and will also invest in one or two star players from the Hola Hola Academy to push their cup chances.
16.02.2014
CELEBRATIONS IN CREWE
Tacklebury may have had an easy way in this seasons FA cup campaign, but sure noone had expected to see the division 3 side in a quarter final. But today they took the scalp of Chelbourne from division 2, and claimed their place.
And the whole city of Crewe lifted of when they witnessed the draw for the quarter finals. The Reds will face former champion Maiden United home at The Hardway.
Manager and Director Thomas Twoofoot could not hide his excitement, and ripped his clothes of before running around screaming in the streets. One of the clubs coaches followed his examples and took a dive from the town’s main bridge. Unfortunately the river was flooded at this time and the heavy stream quickly brought the coach out of Crewe and down to neighbor town Chester. Here he was met by Westward Yesterday fans who brought him out of the river, and rolled him in tar and feather before returning him to Crewe.
01.02.2014
EVERILLA SIGN TALENTED PUBPLAYER AND A HOLA HOLA MIDFIELDER
Everilla had a busy transfer deadline day with the young prospect Gilmore Groin joining for free from the pubteam Baggers United, a local Stafford pub known for boozing, mafie dealings and sexselling activities. He is a lifelong Everilla-fan and his drew has now come true.
The other signing is the midfilielder Kall Kaffe (22) form South Arfrica. A technician of sorts that certainly will add hope for progress in Everillas European campaign.
Dwight Back left for russian team Moskow Marit for a large sum of money.
Jon Ross: “I am pleased for the signings and the progress of the team. The play-offs might be hard to reach, but we will aimimg for promotion next season.”
07.01.2014
EVERILLA LATEST
Starplayer Bauta leaves Everilla
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Nylon Burgund have confirmed the signing of Brego Bauta from Everilla in a 2,5 mill deal.
Bauta arrived at the Stafford club just in front of this campaign, but already made 27 matches and 3 goals for the club.
Unwanted attention was not possible to avoid and the starplayer had a contract clause that could release him for the right price. Therefore, when 3 French gays with baguettes under their arms, moustache and Picasso-hats came to the office with a plastic bag of money; the offer was simply not to refuse.
“If you’ve ever met 3 gays with baguettes, you surely weight your words carefully”, director Pedersen said to the press, walking in a strange way to his car…….
Bolivar Biertrinker signs for Everilla
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Director Bergesen could proudly announce that Everilla found Bautas replacement only minutes after he left for Nylon Burgund.
The man is Oliver Biertrinker from TSV Arnold in German fifth division. The fact that only a local newspaper from Norway called Kusa Nyheiter was the only attending press, states that this signing is probably one of the most insignificant in Royal League history.
The press seem to be more interest in what was going on after the press conference, when director Bergesen and the blond bimbo journalist hit the pub together. But all journalist was denied access to the place because their lack of membership, so the stories went out with nothing.
Biertrinker injured
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Two minutes after signing for Everilla Bolivar Biertrinker managed to slip on the wet boardroom floor and twisted hos ankle. He will be out of the next league game. You should think the player was fed up after his fairy tale move, but he was more interested to get good pub-tips from the local press than talk about football.
Steven Snaphot to get married
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The handsome Everilla striker Steven Snapshot will marry the british supermodel Jessica Glace (23). The boulevard press are predicting Snapshot to move to a more fashionable club in order to give their new lingerie brand Snap & Glace better promotion. Reports say that a move to fashionmetropol Milan, Italy might be on the brink.
Where are they now?
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Former Everilla striker Lokoloko has retired from football to have his own voodoo live show on tv at the US channel Freaks TV.
Another good striker, B.Coop has decided to buy a Scottish club for the money he inheriated from his grand aunt Patricia McDerriod. She died at the age of 104, and was one of the richest people in Scotland. There are also voices whispering of some strange artifacts found in the basement at the castle Coop also got. Might this be another trace of the mighty golden boot that noone really know if exisits??? Which club Coop will choose is yet unknown …
23.12.2013
DANGEROUS LUTEFISK!
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The Norwegian producer “Kim Rogers Fesk og Rein” has recalled all the lutefisk from the market after finding traces of LSD and dog-hair in the fish.
The production hall is located next to an abounded villa where some local drugheads have stayed the last year, and “Fesk og Rein” have experienced a couple of break-ins this summer.
“Since nothing was stolen, we thought everything was okay” Kim Roger said to a local newspaper. “We never thought anyone would add something to our products”.
Luckily for the Norwegians it seems that the only contemned products were a special delivery sent to Stafford, England, a month ago.
Which could explain the Everilla Xmas brawl.
Stig Bøyle
Daily News
16.12.2013
EVERILLA DIRECTOR IN XMAS BRAWL
Director Bergesen has, like almost every Christmas, turned the attention form the football team to himself with outraging alcohol consume, sexual harassment and lutefisk throwing at the annual Everilla Wanderers staff and players Xmas party.
Allthough Everillas half season review presented by manager Jon Ross was the pleasing part of the evening, it was totally overshadowed by Bergesens late arrival to the location. An hour late, he stumbled in the fine 5 Star restaurant “Le boul” with a dozen girls from club sponsor N.S.
It was clearly that he had not wasted any time in the bar on beforehand, singing, drinking, smoking and petting his way to his table. Fellow director Pedersen looked embarrassed, and to hide this he drank a bottle of the finest champagne. That was the kick-off of the evening. The players followed the lead by throwing lutefisk around. Do I need to tell more? Nope. But I would like to ask some questions: Is it time for Bergesen to step down as director? Do Pedersen have the bollocks to apart from his lifelong friend to take Everilla back to glory? And will lutefisk be served at the next Xmas party? These are important questions that hopefully will be answered in the months to come.
Stig Bøyle
Daily News.
28.10.2013
HIGH FLYING QUICKFORD
Quickford have had an perfect start to the campaign, and find themselves at the top of the table at the moment.
Bookmakers and experts are surprised, since Quickford have never challenged a title in their whole existence. Their best result are a 7th place in the league back in the 2010/11 season.
Manager J.I.Collins explains the success with no surprise; “This club has always been planning carefully, and slowly taken one step at the time. And I’ve learned a lot from Howard Little and Maivid O’Loyes back in Everilla”, he said.
And the former Everilla player speaks the truth, as he is registered with two league champion titles with the Stafford club, before leaving for a player manager role in Quickford. And he’s been loyal to The Pacers ever since.
04.10.2013
BABOU DIED NATURALLY
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Police have released a report concerning the death of Everilla player Pascal Babou.
The report confirms that Babou died of heart failure, and no crime has been committed. The forensics found no drugs in his system, but signs of an extremely rare illness called “Cantola Holgaris” who’s until now only found on the island Hola Hola.
Experts knows little about this decease other than it’s been seen a few times at Hola Hola, and may be related to a mosquito living there.
The report does not cover what connection Babou has to Hola Hola.
26.09.2013
BREAKING NEWS!
Everilla player Pascal Babou was today found dead in his apartment in Stafford.
According to the medics Babou seem to have had some allergic reaction of some sort, turning his body to a bursting balloon with a lot of cuts and swollen wounds.
“His eyes were nearly coming out of his head” said one of the policemen who were at the scene.
The forensics will have to do their job in quiet before we will get to know what happened, but rumors about poison or drug overdose are already on the streets.
Everilla director Pedersen says in a comment that the planned league cup match against Blackboys today will be scheduled as normal. “There’s no worry. He was not in our starting eleven anyway” he said before heading to the big match.
Stig Bøyle
Daily News
10.09.2013
MOVING MANAGERS!
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There’s been a lot of changes in chairs of managers lately and Daily news gives you a short report:
– Prolix Home manager Naugthie Willmore has been sacked and replaced by former Tiger-manager Taggart McGuinnes.
– Ron Swordfight is back in Royal League after being sacked as manager in Livernal earlier this year. He replaces Adrian Eastender at Carstone.
– One of the bigest news is coming from Crushbone Lane in Birmingham where Beastham have signed Scott Thompson as their new manager. Thompson was one of the greatest managers at their rival Goford in Birmingham, and our guess is that he will be part of many discussions in town.
– Livernal are looking to change things around by signing former Manston City manager Tim Williams as their new manager. Since Ron Swordfight had to leave earlier this year the club has been searching for a manager who could take them up from the dirt.
– Wimbleby finally found thier new manager in Ted Taggart after the Norwegian Tor Gunnar Veivelling was sent home to Bergen. Taggart has experience from clubs like Woolvich County, Livernal and Westhampton, and might be just what the club needs.
– N.S.Watson surprisingly pulled out from Bollocks United and signed up as manager for Woolvich County. The former Everilla manager is said to have some problems with Phillips and Day at Bollocks, and he’s also been seen with the wife of former Woolvich manager Jameson.
21.08.2013
DIVISION 2 TEAM SURPRISE EUROPE
Against all odds Everilla Wanderers from division 2, manage to beat European veteran Vanjax 3-2 at their ground Langfaar Park this evening.
This takes Everilla into group play in European Princes League, and surprises everyone but manager Jon Ross. “The team had worked well towards this drama, and I belive we can beat anyone on a day like this”, he happily said to the press.
The Vanjax – Everilla battle is known for hatred between the fans, and some ugly scenes in the streets. And this game was no exeptions. A total of 23 fans was arrested due to distubance and violence, and both clubs has been facing some big fines from UEFA.
But still we celebrate a division 2 team in European Princes League.
19.08.2013
BEN SPITFIRE RETURNS TO ROYAL LEAGUE
Tigers fans celebrated in style as the news broke that The Cats had signed Ben Spitfire as their new manager.
Spitfire brought Axis City to the top division in 2004 and reached a 4th and a 2nd place in Division 1 the years after, before leaving for the German side Hamstadt. This came as a big surprise since he was seen in talks with Cannon Town at that moment.
Without success in Hamstadt he was fired and went back to England in 2010, working as a TV-reporter for two years.
Many clubs have approached him ever since to convince him to get back in the game, but it was not before director Rembrandt contacted him with an offer, he jumped on.
Spitfire is known for his temper and straight on communication, and we’ll welcome him back.
Stig Bøyle
Daily News
15.08.2013
GOFORD SIGNS MACASKILL
Hugh MacAskill became the new manager of Goford today, when signing a 5-year contract with the former giant club.
He’s running in from Skye United in Scotland, where he successfully climbed the stairs in the division systems and reach the cupfinal last year.
MacAskill’s first challenge will be to bring the club back to the top division, which will not be an easy one. Goford won the league in 2007 and in 2012, and fans and directors expect the club to be a high performance European team. The club has the record of 9 League titles, 3 FA cup titles, and 1 League Cup title. At the moment the road to glory is a steep one, but MacAskill may have the receipt. “We’ll work harder” was his only comment to press after his signing….. Oh well yes, that would probably do it. It’s worth mentioned that MacAskill at this point of his career has never won a single trophy.
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BIG CROWD TROUBLES IN STAFFORD
As predicted fans from everilla and Vanjax put their heads together just an hour before kick-off in today’s European cup games at goodinaux. About 300 vanjax fans disguised in Everilla shirts started the fight at the ticket boxes outside the stadium. 50 people is reported to be hurt, but the situation is still out of control. We will come back with more.
Stig Bøyle
Daily News
10.08.2013
DICK WILLIAMS AGREES TERMS WITH THE BEDS
Former Goford manager Dick Williams took place in the manager seat at Beddingfield last night.
The position has been vacant this summer after Tim Stringuns retirement in May, and the club has been searching well for his replacement.
Dick Williams won the league with Goford in 2012, and inhabit much of the needed spirit for this job in Bedford.
The deal was done at a farm outside the city and involves a place at the countryside with 3 teenage servants and a soundproof basement. That may sound pretty cool, but if Bedford relegates, the downside in this deal is that Mr.Williams will loose his licence to work and be living in director Shakespears basement for a year.
03.08.2013
SEASON KICKOFF!
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The league was kicked off today in a great way as alway, turning every British human and pet into a nervous wreck.
Last year champion Maiden United followed up their success by beating a poor Hardham side 4-0 at Iron Stage.
In division 2, Bringby Glovers trashed Kidding East 5-1 in the season opener to get a perfect start to the campaign.
All in all the results was pretty much as expected, but the concerns for lacking interest for Royal League seem to be without reason. The season opening saw more spectators in the stadiums within the last 5 years. So let’s hope this season will be a thriller.
Stig Bøyle
Daily News
20.07.2013
RFA PENALIZE WESTON PALACE
Early this morning RFA stated that Weston Palace have been penalized with a 10 point withdrawal due to economy failure.
The club did not manage to deliver budget and result to the RFA controller, and the club were questioned in a division drop because of this.
Sponsors were helping out to explain the situation to the RFA-board, and it came clear that the club had delivered wrong results. RFA decided then to give a 10 point withdrawal stating that they would not accept this kind of errors, because it hurts the reputation of British football.
09.07.2013
BOLLOCKS SIGNS 3 PLAYERS
BU have signed three part-time players from the Hulk Ale Brewery team. W. Bull, C. Puke and T. Glastroy were signed after the Hulk Ale beer festival which BU co. boss also attended. “These guys showed lots of social skills”, A.Day said.
TOMMY TEE SIGNS FOR GOFORD
Tommy Tee signs for Goford Goford have signed the American attacking midfielder and rapper Tommy Tee, 23, in a three year deal. They will have to pay the American soccer team Los Burritas around 500.000 pounds.
05.07.2013
EVERILLA TO SIGN SUPER DEFENDER
Director Pedersen confirmed this yesterday: ” I am on the plane to hola hola right now to pick out the right player and tie up the deal. Unfortunately, due to a f******* strike, I have to fly Widerøe the whole way, so it might take some time.
Another thing that might take some time is the building of Pedersens new luxury villa near the remote town Boo, in Norway. Although he is full of cash, Pedersen have decided to do it himself with a little help from friends. ” That’s the Norwegian dugnad spirit”, he told us.
01.07.2013
SKID CITY SQUAD UP FOR SALE
Skid City, once manchesters pride are in deep deep economic trouble.
The whole squad is for sale, and most of the older youth team players will sign a first team contract.
“We have to rebuild the whole club”, City legend G.Thompson said. Row lane will also be the host of several rock concerts also during the season to fill the money gap.
BLACKBOYS SPEND 11 MILL ON TEENAGER
Blackboys spend 11 mill on teenager. The London club announced the signing of a 15 year old unknown striker from Ghana!!! Shiro Jeti will turn 16 in October, and will nor be able to play first team football before that.
STONECASTLE SIGNS TWINS
Stonecastle sign two finish twins Ari and Matti Pekka, both 24 have signed a 2-year contract. And yes, they are both strikers.
28.06.2013
SHORT NEWS
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Bayer to Livernal?
Reports suggests that everillas Danish fullback Peter Bayer is being tracked by Sxren Klype to add to his Danish revolution and his mission to destroy Everilla.
James Hingston signs for Blackboys
Blackboys have payed Army 7,4 mill for the Hingstons services. The 24 year old striker scored 21 goals last season. He is also known as a part-time porn-actor under the name “the bang man”.
Tigers sign Torjus Bekken
The first signing by Tigers new manager Alex Winchester was the talented Norwegian midfielder Torjus Bekken (22). He arrives from PSV Graat for 1,2 mill.
27.06.2013
IVOR SMOLAZEK RISE AGAIN
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In 2006 manager Jon Ross bought the young ukraine boy for then a royal league transfer record (23,5 mill). But after an astonishing first year with a total of 32 goals in 46 matches, his form declined with Northpark City downfall.
Jon Ross was fired a the new manager sold Smolazek for a bargain price of 12 mill pounds to the portuguise champions Bento midway through the 2008/2009 season. In portugal Smolazek rose again, winning the Princes League in 09/10, and a double kings league in 10/11 and 11/12, scoring an astonishing total of 184 goals in 193 matches.
Due to Bentos disapointing Kings League season which ended in the group stages, Smolazek wanted a new challenge. A bidding race started between german champions heilheim and the spanish greats Real Naranja.
The outcome: a world record transfer deal for the 25 year old striker of astonishing 84,5 million pounds.
Smolazek will be the best paid player in the universe, signing a 5 year contract.
J.R.PHILLIPS FOR ENGLAND AND BOLLOCKS UNITED
Former Everilla-legend J.R.Phillips will coach the England U-21 team and play with old pals A.Day and N.S. Watson of the new formed L8 team. United have also signed up former Everilla striker Udo Holzhauer on a oneyear contract. Holzhauer will also work part time at A.Days pub “No9” serving special schwarzwald beer.
HEILHEIM IN FOR LENNY COHEN
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After loosing Mario Putz to Shadwell and the bidding war with Real Naranja for the signature of Ivor Smolazek, they now, somehow surprisingly try to tie up a deal to land the irish striker Lenny Cohen (23). Cohen plays for the italian runners-up Juvepoli, and they will be asking for 19 million to let him go.
JON ROSS TO APPOINT WILLY BUCKELBERRY
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Due to J.R.Phillips departure, Jon Ross will appoint the young football genious Willy Buckelberry (29) as an assistant manager. Buckelberry have never played football himself, but is known as “The analyzer” between collagues.
LIVERNAL SIGNS DANISH DYNAMITE
Svren Klype has tied up a deal for the danish national player Preben Elg (26). He will be the forth dane to arrive at Livernal this pre-season after the signings of: Jesper Blombfr, Thomas Leine and Jan Mxlsekk. Klype will take charge of the coaching himself this year, and wants to rebuild his team with only danish players. “They are the only one I can trust”, Klype told the press. People close to Klype said his personality have changed after Livernal dumped down to D3, one league below Everilla.
26.06.2013
SHADWELL SIGNS MARIO PUTZ IN RECORD DEAL
Today shadwell confirmed the signing of Mario Putz from the German giants Heilheim for a royal league record 27,3 mill. This means that the royal league are gaining popularity, and might be at the same level as the German kaiserliga.
EVERILLA GET A LOAN DEAL
Due to the departure of several defenders, manager Jon Ross has taken the promising Spanish defender Fernando Guerrilla, 21 on a one season long loan from Spanish giants villa melona.
10.06.2013
A NEW L8-TEAM!
Great dramatic at the end-of-season-summit of League 8. Rock bottom Loveford decided to erase the club form the footballing map, and start up as a women’s softball team! Well, they might not be missed, but they fill a gab in the league. to play the league with only seven teams would mean a complete redesign and renaming to “League 7”, and that would cost millions. Although there was a brief interest for the snack store “SevenEleven” to be a main sponsor, no contract was signed. The solution of the problem came from the bar. Two drunken ex. Everilla players, recognized as A. Day and N.S.Watson screamed out: “Wee´ll schtarrt a nw fucking teamzoh!” The paperwork was signed right away, and as Watson and Day woke up next morning they found themselves as Manager/Directors of the new founded team: “Bollocks United”. “Bollocks is a word of Anglo-Saxon origin, meaning “testicles”.
To everyone reading this article, a plea from the Directors of Bollocks United Football Club:
“If someone has a piece of land to build a stadium, let us know! Players are also wanted!”
Reports say that several ex-. Everilla players might join the club. And Everilla directors Bergesen and Pedersen might give them a loan deal for the old Villinaux Park.
Stig Bøyle, Daily News